you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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