I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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