I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
