i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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