I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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