Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
