Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
