Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
