We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
