im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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