I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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