$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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