Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
