My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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