I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
