We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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