I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
