dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
