WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
