Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
