Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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