i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
