My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Alive.
So much puke
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
