I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
