I am spending my child support on dildos
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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