Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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