U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
