I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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