sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
