Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
