So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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