remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
