oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
