I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
