I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
