It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
