dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
