would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
