ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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