I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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