I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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