If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
