Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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