this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
