I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
