I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
