God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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