we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
