I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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