I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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