My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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